February 16, 2008

What I Did On My Summer and Winter Vacation

So I was starving on the west coast of New Zealand's South Island, where pretty much everything closes between 4pm and 8pm. After checking out some glaciers, I get back into town (yes, town, there's one real town on the west coast) of Greymouth at 9:55pm. There were two places open for another 5 minutes, KFC and Macca's. I chose KFC over McD's figuring cold fried chicken would be more edible than cold McD's if I kept some leftovers overnight while camping. So I ordered a couple of pieces of Hot'n'Spicy, and was so hungry I ate it all while in the parking lot.

I was going to be on the road another 300km that night, so I went to the public toilet and dropped some turds off and used my never-travel-without unscented baby wipes for a proper underarm and ass'n'tackle cleaning as there are no showers in public camping areas.

I hop into the car and 3 hours later I'm getting quite tired. I find a nice rest area, nestle myself between some 2' wide trees about 40' away from another camper, convert my Subaru Legacy station wagon to camping mode and pass out around 3am.

My cell phone woke me up at 7:15am because I forgot to shut off the alarm function the morning before. I furiously thwack at it in total confusion, disable the alarm, and then immediately think "oh shit, I have to shit" followed by a reflux burp of Hot'n'Spicy KFC chickenasty.

The windows fogged up overnight, so I open the door to look around, and realize that there are no toilets. And that my rest area is is between the inside of a curving highway and the top of a steep ravine. And that the other camper was still there. I grab my baby wipes and survey the area in more detail. There's no tree with an angle that shields me from view of both directions of highway travel or from the other campers. Shit. And I gotta shit.

Did I mention that I had to shit? Really really badly?

Back to the car and I get my roll of plastic sandwich bags, go to the side of the car that's away from traffic, open both front and rear doors toward the ravine side, making a stall. Not being used to "the position", I strip off my shorts and underwear, spread my legs, squat, and realize that the ground is covered in pine needles, which would essentially make the turd difficult to pick up without puncturing the small bag. A very quick decision later, and I put my bag-covered hand under my anus and let loose. And loose it was. Like melted mocha ice cream, but with cayenne pepper and an extra helping of shitsmell. Asshole now fully burning, I quickly turn the bag outside-in, grab another, and let go of round two, which too was liquidnasty. As I'm squatted there giggling, I hear a car door slam from the direction of the other camper, so I quickly invert the second bag, use up a couple of wipes, bag them, bag everything, pop on my underwear and shorts, rebag everything one more time, tie it off, and hit the road.

5 minutes later, I smell shit. It's either coming from my perianal region, or these bags are gas permeable. Being the scientist, I do a corolla test and waft my hand upwards from between my legs toward my nose, and only detected the nice usual sweet odor of a ham and cheese croissant... with no shit. (*note to self, find woman that loves ham and cheese croissants*)

The bag. The damn bag. The damn bag is leaking shitgas.

Did I mention that there are no public garbage cans in New Zealand? And that nobody litters? I *couldn't* leave the bag behind. I *had* to take it with me until I reached a town to throw it away at a gas station or something.

Hmm... Throwing away! What an excellent idea! Here's a word problem from Physics-for-4-Year-Olds 101: If you are going 100km/h and a cargo truck is coming at you at 100km/h, what would a thrown bag of shit look like after exploding on a truck's windshield at 200km/h?

Unfortunately, I successfully resisted the temptation to find out, but laughed out loud uncontrollably for about 5 minutes.

I'm a sick fuck.

A sick fuck that needs a shower and a proper toilet.

Now that's vacation.

Posted by gav at February 16, 2008 01:57 AM | TrackBack
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